Wednesday, March 31, 2010

First 7 Words of IMDB's Description of a John Candy Movie #3: Canadian Bacon

“The U.S. President, low in the opinion polls.”
“Oliver, we’ve discussed this, you need to use verbs in your sentences.”
“Erudite Untitled Game Show Concept, an outraged public indeed.”
“Oliver, has someone been letting you watch the television that keeps cutting out every few moments?”
“The unfortunate flooding, also with delicious cinnamon batter.”
“Oliver, this is not how people talk. You are educating yourself incorrectly.”
“Pink and bold, an understandable coffee pot mishap.”
“Oliver, I swear to you, I don’t know how this happened but I will someday figure out how to teach you proper syntax again.”
“You don’t need to start every damned sentence with Oliver, you know. My name is Herbert.”
“And… scene.” I said, turning towards the judges’ table. Normally, my surrealistic one act plays were less than well received when performed in anything approaching a public space, but I had a good feeling about this one. My scene partner and I got up from the floor as the judges deliberated. Two of them I did not recognize.
Also there was a doctor. He was my doctor, and also the third judge, which struck me as odd.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

First 7 Words of IMDB's Description of a John Candy Movie #2: Planes, Trains and Automobiles

A man must struggle to travel home

“Clark, I am beginning to find your supposed truisms disagreeable” said Wallace, leaving the empty tent. He dropped the note on the wet ground and wondered where his travel companion had gone off to this time.
He noticed the previous night’s fire was still burning.
“Clark?” Wallace called out, curious how his friend had managed to keep the flames from extinguishing in the middle of a rainstorm. Wallace hadn’t remembered Clark leaving the tent at all the night before. The inside of the tent itself was dry; if Clark had left to keep the fire going, it seemed almost impossible he’d be able to avoid covering the blue nylon with mud on his way back in.
For a moment, Wallace thought Clark must have woken up early and found some dry kindling for a new fire. The more he looked, though, the harder it was to deny he was staring at the same firewood he’d been staring at several hours ago.
“Besides,” he thought “why would anyone start a fire this early in the day?”
Still, Wallace was wary, especially since, for the first time since waking up, he suddenly remembered he had put out that fire the night before.
Also there was a doctor. He stood amongst the trees, preparing to introduce himself in as dignified a manner as possible.

Monday, March 29, 2010

I am breaking the rules for a moment! For a reason!

Can I do that? Can I rebel against myself?! Hells yes. To thank Lawrence Knight, who's blog is right here (check it out):
and who was kind enough to call this blog "quirkiness at its best." It was very kind of him and I wanted to say thank you publicly. (Although I am sorry I did not say so sooner)

First 7 Words of IMDB's Description of a John Candy Movie #1: Delirious

A soap opera writer gets hit on.
Or at least, her connectbio says she’s a soap opera writer. People can hack those things pretty easily, so you never actually know when you pen them.
All I can do is watch from across the bar. She keeps ordering Seven & Sevens as a man in a posh LCD Overcoat continues to make double entendres about string theory. It is surprising how well I can hear them.
Suddenly they turn in my direction. My voyeurism appears compromised, until I realize they are just staring at the person behind me, who I soon find out has been staring at me for quite a while. I realize we are caught in a voyeurism triangle of sorts and find it quite exhilarating.
We light electronic cigars simultaneously, and spend a few hours staring at one another.
Finally, I say “This has been quite awkward” and leave, hoping they realize I was trying to be ironic.
Also there was a doctor. He was playing the bongos in a blue corner somewhere as I left.